My Life Flashing (Forwards) Before My Eyes

12 comments

I am currently in the 36th week of my pregnancy. As such, I have all the typical complaints of the third trimester - bruised ribs from my uterus pressing up against them, constant hunger, unrelenting fatigue, trips to the bathroom every 20 minutes, various aches and pains, and of course BIG, WILD EMOTIONS.

Women who have experienced pregnancy before will (hopefully) relate. I get this particular hormonal, crazy feeling inside me when I start to get upset about something and I just can't seem to get myself back under control again without bursting into tears and letting it all out. This happened just the other night. I was lying in bed with my husband and we were talking about I can't even remember what. Somehow in relation to our conversation, my husband commented that he had noticed our 2 year old daughter, Sophia, looking very grown up lately. It was a fairly off-hand sort of comment that my less hormonal self probably would've just agreed with and moved on. But for some reason, I couldn't move on.

SOMEBODY HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON!

I suddenly realised it was true - Sophia is growing up, and it's happening really fast. Heck, what had even happened to the last 2 years and 3 months? How was it that I was already pregnant again and about to give birth to our second child? Surely it wasn't that long ago that I was struggling through the first 12 weeks of motherhood and thinking that they would never end?

It was like somebody hit fast forward on my life and it all played out in fast motion before my eyes. Suddenly Sophia was not a little girl anymore and she didn't have soft, deliciously chubby cheeks - instead she was GIVING me cheek! She wasn't grinning at me when I came into the room to get her out of bed in the morning, instead I was lucky to see her face at all as she buried it into her pillow and groaned that it was too early to get up. Her laugh had turned into this low, husky sound, rather than the delightful, girlish giggle she used to have. And she wasn't laughing at my jokes anymore, but rolling her eyes instead. Then I was watching her graduate wearing a skirt that went past my knees with a baggy top to cover my middle aged spread. Then she was telling me that she was moving out. Then I was all alone in the house staring at photos of her and her sister and wondering when I would see them next....

NO, NO, NO I wanted to scream!!! Somebody hit the pause button!!!

CHERISH EVERY MOMENT

It's something that older people tell younger people when they first have a baby: "Cherish every moment," they say wisely, nodding their heads at each other, "they grow up too fast." You don't think much of it when you're a young, exhausted mother with a newborn to take care of. "I'm meant to be cherishing THIS???" was more along the lines of what I thought in those early months!

But the other night, I was suddenly filled with regret that I HAVEN'T cherished every moment, because I didn't even realise what I had, what I have. There have been too many times when I have found my daughter's incessant need of me to be annoying and wished she would hurry up and grow up so I could have some PEACE and QUIET!! Not realising that potentially many years of peace and quiet will be upon me all too soon and maybe they won't be quite as wonderful as I imagine... Maybe I will miss being needed all the time and having a household filled with the sound of pattering feet and laughter... Maybe I will wish that I had cherished the present moments that I had more.

TAKING STOCK

So here is me taking stock of what I love about this present time of motherhood and resolving to cherish it.

I love how soft my daughter's skin is and the way she giggles when I nuzzle into her neck.
I love the way she mispronounces her words and says things with a wondrous expression on her face.
I love the way she wants me and only me when she has hurt herself, I love that I can comfort her with a kiss and a cuddle and wipe all her tears away.
I love that she is nearly always with me and so I never have to worry about what she is doing or if she is ok.
I love the feel of her little hand in mine and the way she walks trustingly beside me.
I love giving her presents and seeing the joy and intrigue light up her eyes as she plays with a new toy or has a new experience.
I love that she has so much energy she will literally jump naked all the way down the corridor from the bathroom to her bedroom after a bath.
I love the way she grins at me when I walk into her room to get her up in the morning or from her nap.
I love watching her play with her Daddy - seeing the two humans I love most having fun together and knowing that they love each other too is one of the most precious things in the world to me.
I love the way she offers me a tissue when I cry.
I love that she has her whole life ahead of her, that she has so much potential and that at this moment, anything is possible.

I know this time will pass all too quickly, and it is going to happen with the next one too. And even if I were to have a next one, and a next one, and a next one, they too would grow up and eventually leave to make their own lives. It's natural, and it's good, and it's right, but oh my heart. Sometimes I do wonder how I will cope. Especially without the chubby cheeks.




12 comments

  1. Oh you make me smile - those pregnancy hormones have a lot to answer for! Still, if it made you slow down and take stock and appreciate the joys of motherhood, then maybe it wasn't a bad thing? You're so right about taking stock and being in the moment - I was SO tired for the early years of my kids and have very few real memories (other than the photos) it was all a bit of a blur and that's a shame because the baby and childhood years are so precious. Maybe just enjoying them while they're happening is enough and letting the future take care of itself - besides there are grandbabies to console you when you reach that vast age!
    I'm not sure if you've listened to this song, but it's beautiful and kind of sums up what you've been feeling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clcNB_EUao8 xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow, that really is a beautiful song and exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about! What a tear jerker.... isn't it true that the hardest things in life are also the best?
      Yes I agree it is best not to worry too much about the future - I know that God has it in hand anyway. And hopefully by making the most of these years while I have them, I won't have too much regret by the time they're over.
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment as always :-) xox

      Delete
  2. I love this post! There really are so many things to love about these early years, and I'm thankful we took lots of photos and I also kept a journal for each of my boys in which I recorded all the cute things they did and said (and the not-so-cute things that we laughed about when they weren't looking). Ever the speechie, I was really doing it to track their speech and language development, lol. But for years, my boys would ask "Mum can you read us some of the funny things we did when we were little"!! Strangely, they're not so interested these days......... but they may enjoy sharing them with their own children in years to come.
    You know all the platitudes already, unfortunately it can be so much harder to take them on board when you're right in the midst of it all. But as much as you can, yes cherish every moment!! In fact, cherish as many moments as you can ALWAYS. They are still gorgeous and funny, they still give you the BEST hugs (except that THEY wrap YOU up now), and they still make your heart sing even when they're big, hairy and tattooed!!
    And just for the record, there was no daggy skirt, baggy top or middle-aged spread when I was the age that my boys would have been graduating (if they'd bothered, lol).......... so tweak your nightmare, all is not lost!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so good to have kept a journal and written all those things down - I'm afraid I am terribly slack when it comes to things like that! That is part of the beauty of blogging for me - at least it is a partial record of things that have happened/I have considered in my life!
      Nice to hear I may have a few more years after my girls graduate before the middle aged spread sets in haha!
      Thank you for your encouraging and empathetic response as always :-) Xox

      Delete
  3. I'm 29 weeks now with my first and the hormones are getting stronger! Sad to think that our babies grow up but beautiful to imagine all they can become.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're at the beginning of a wonderful journey. I wish you all the very best :-)

      Delete
  4. Though my children are grown (in their 30s now), I can still remember those pregnancy hormones. I also remember those moments of wishing the children were a little less dependent, quickly followed by other moments of "please don't grow up!" It's good to take stock as you did here of all the things you love about this present moment. You will miss them when they are gone--but then there is grandparenting, and that's even sweeter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have heard that grandparenting is meant to be good - let's hope my daughters are (re)productive!!

      Delete
  5. Such a lovely post! And all so very true - my 30 year old daughter is getting married in a month. My how time flies! Thanks for sharing with us at The Blogger's Pit Stop! Roseann from This Autoimmune Life

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't even imagine my daughters being 30 but I suppose one day it will happen! Time is funny like that. Hope you enjoy the wedding, what a happy occasion to celebrate as a mother :-)

      Delete
  6. Your post took my memories back to the days when my son was young, and I longed for the day when he would grow up and is on his own. And that time has come. Indeed, we must cherish every moment of our lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's either cherish it, or regret that you haven't I think!

      Delete

Please tick the "notify me" box if you'd like to receive an email when I reply to your comment.